What happened when I decided the word “selfish” wasn’t a dirty word

Setting boundaries, reclaiming my time, and finally putting myself first instead of dead last.

I was a really selfish person this year. And I’m so damn proud of it.

I spent the last decade of my life trying to twist and contort myself into a box. The box wasn’t of my own making. It was bland, hard, and structured. But I had decided I was supposed to fit into the box because I’d internalized the expectation for so long. Other people were counting on me to be in the box after all (or so I told myself), how could I let them down?

The box reminded me of things like… “writer isn’t a REAL job.” “You need to make money.” “This is the safest option, trust me”. And I believed it. I decided the box actually had some good points. I let those silver linings lead the way.

The box was uncomfortable but it was safe, familiar, and predictable.

The box wasn’t a cliff.

The box wasn’t a lion.

The box wasn’t a 20 foot deep pool.

The box wasn’t burning hot coals.

The box offered shelter and reminded me that, “could be so much worse.” Basically, I was being gaslighted by a damn box.

The box wasn’t allowing me to create a life worth living.

The box wasn’t my dream.

The box wasn’t exciting.

The box wasn’t exhilarating.

The box wasn’t really about living, it was about survival. The box was complacency. And that is no life at all.

In fact, the box’s walls were so high, they blocked me from seeing my “dream”, keeping me in a cycle of assuming everyone else knew best what I should do with my life instead of wondering if I could actually trust myself to decide what I truly WANTED.

I couldn’t see beyond the walls to discover the possibility.

But this year, I climbed out. I scaled that fucking wall.

I caught a glimpse of light on the other side, and it hooked my curiosity & my wonder.

“What if things could be different? No only that, but what if life could be EXACTLY what I want?”

In the process of climbing the “wall”, I fell a lot. Goodness knows I cried, well, all the time.

I was unsure.

I was scared.

I second-guessed myself so many times it felt more like “twentieth-guessing”.

But something in me switched in the process.

I realized I could inevitably be the victim of my circumstances, pacing the box, wasting energy. But I wouldn’t be staying for ME. I realized I was staying for everyone else. I was afraid of the unknown, yes, but more so I was afraid of letting others down.

I realized there was another way to flow with life. Instead of responding to the world from fear, obligation, or people-pleasing, I could choose again. I could choose temporary unease and discomfort in hopes of creating something outside-of-the box. Something that is just for me. I realized that in my efforts to not disappoint everyone else, I had been letting down the most important person…

Myself.

So I committed to being totally, utterly selfish. It was opposite to how I had navigated the world for the last decade+, and it felt necessary to swing to the opposite extreme.

• I quit my teaching job in dissonance with the “what about the kids?!” bullshit my ego kept throwing at me and instead I started to ask, “what about myself?!”
• I invested in coaching, business courses, and writing professional development despite the voice in my head that reminded me, “but you just quit your job!”
• I just got started. Without the roadmap, the guarantees or the security. I redefined myself, took up space, leaned on my community, and stepped into a new career, against the best advice of that inner voice shouting, “who do you think you are?!”

Amazingly, all the things that felt “selfish” to my past self, were actually the things that allowed me to step into my full self.

So I decided to reframe selfishness. I now call it self-fullness. Being totally and completely full of myself in the best way possible.

I offer this mindset shift to you.

How does it feel to be full of yourself and fully yourself?

• All of your unique questions, quirks, and qualities.
• All of the beautiful experiences that have led you to this moment in life.
• To embrace every aspect of you without regret, doubt, judgment, or disappointment.
• To be in service to living out your best life as defined by YOU not the well-intentioned, but misguided voices in your head.

This past year of selfishness has been a practice in devotion to me. I have learned to take leaps knowing I will always catch myself if I fall or stumble. I’ve learned to give myself grace while trusting in my ability to accomplish anything I set my mind to.

Suddenly, the dirty word becomes the prayer. The devotion. The adoration.